Doomed to humiliation

Two stories mark my last couple of days.

Story #1: Today (Tuesday): The Fire Alarm

I made the mistake of thinking there was babysitting at the school during teacher conferences. I called, even, to make sure. I get to the school this afternoon with all three kids in tow and find out that the babysitting doesn't start until the high-schoolers get out of school- a couple of hours later. Oh no- this isn't going to be fun! So I tow all of them up to Marcus' classroom and his very understanding teacher gets out some activities for them to do in the hall. I was really worried about having Lillian out in the hallway- - so I told Marcus to keep a really close eye on her and make sure she didn't run away (which she has been doing a lot lately). A very painful 15 minutes ensued having to stop the conference to take care of my cranky two year old every couple of minutes. That was bad enough but then the fire alarm starts going off amid shrieks of terror from Lillian. We all file outside to the grumbling of all the teachers and parents who were in the middle of their conferences, while they wait for the fire department to come and make sure the building is safe. I am already humiliated by my wild children, who shouldn't even BE there because there wasn't babysitting after all, running around like it is a party, and then comes the bombshell- the alarm that was pulled was in the hallway where MY children were not so quietly waiting while I was talking to Marcus' teacher. As we went back into the building I noticed a desk sitting right under the alarm lever- just INVITING my curious two year old, who would normally not be able to reach the alarm, to climb up and pull it. I know Marcus and Cynthia would know better- and they both denied doing it - - so the culprit was my little helion- Lillian. It totally sounds like something she would do, given the opportunity. Lovely. After ruining all the teachers' very tight conference schedule and causing a bit of chaos- I may be getting a call from the principal soon . . . I want to hide myself under a rock. Luckily the tears didn't come until I was in the car . . . I will never, repeat, never bring my non-school age kids to a teacher conference again- even if they SAY there will by babysitting!


Story #2: Sunday: Angels come to the rescue of the emotional basketcase . . .

You guessed it- the emotional basketcase was me. Why is it that pregnancy hormones make me so close to tears all the time? And lack of sleep I am sure doesn't help. Anyway, Sunday was stressful as usual- trying to get to church without Jon by 9:00 am with everyone dressed and looking nice, including myself- which is the hardest because I don't even feel human in the mornings. We spend all of sacrament meeting in the hall because I don't have the energy to keep Lillian contained in my lap in the chapel (which I have to do or she "escapes" and runs down the isle). So I end up trying to keep her somewhat quiet out in the hall and keep her from running and climbing . . . . Well, that wasn't so bad (could be worse) and not so good. I am just soooo tired. Everyone goes off to their classes. Next thing I know a random comment from someone that should not have bothered me sends me into the bathroom with tears on the brink. Oh no, the pressure behind the dam had been building for days - - stress, fatigue, pregnancy related emotions . . . and now it was about to burst! I spent the next 20 minutes in a bathroom stall trying to hold in the flood, to no avail. What is WRONG with me!!! -I kept thinking. I managed to clean up a bit and attempted my next meeting by sitting in the back with my head down trying to hide my tears. OF COURSE the lesson is on being happy in our trials, I thought as the teacher began the lesson. With stories of children that have died or had disabilities, horrible life changing health problems, spouses that had left -and how those people found a way to cope being shared, I sat in the back feeling like a total looser for not handling my life well. The things that are hard right now are things I wouldn't change, and there is a VERY clear purpose to why they are happening(unlike most of the examples given above). I WANT and CHOSE to be pregnant- - and I wouldn't change it. I WANT Jon to be in a residency program so he can fufill his dream of being a doctor - - there is no doubt in my mind this is the right career for him. I should be glad my husband has such great job security for the future. So WHY the HECK am I having such a hard time??!! My life is great- I am living my dream. Yes it is stressful and challenging, and Jon isn't not around to help much, but I wouldn't change any of it. . . . well, I WOULD change my physical and emotional strength, and have some way to be able to help Jon cope with his insane amount of stress. We are trying to get some things set up to do our backyard (I can't wait to have GRASS!) and I am realizing that Jon really doesn't have time (with his current rotations he usually goes about two weeks without a day off, and many days are 24-30 hour shifts). I just found out he has his board exams in June - - he hardly has time to sleep let alone study, so the backyard is going to have to wait. It was disappointing because we had been making plans for so long to do it in April, but I truly know his boards are more important and I can wait a few more months to get grass. It shouldn't be that big a deal, but it feels like such a trial. Why can't I be stronger? For crying out loud, I also only have one kid at home who is not in school! Even though she is a super intensive 2 year old (as all of my children have been) my days shouldn't be THAT bad or THAT hard.

As I was leaving the class one of my dear friends Jessica asked me if I was OK- and I turned to the wall trying so hard to hold it in, but started sobbing instead- right in the hall at church - - how humiliating. I kept thinking- what is wrong with me? I can't even really pinpoint why I am crying! I have known many pregnant women over the years- and they all seem to hold it together enough to not be sobbing in the church hallway! As I was crying on Kristen Maxwell's shoulder (who was also in the vicinity- and who I might add has had WAY more challenges in her life than I have EVER had to face), my friend Wendi was walking by, took Lillian and told me my kids were going to her house for the afternoon. I seriously have Angels surrounding me, bearing me up. I went home and slept for almost four hours, I guess I really was worn out. Later that evening Jessica and Kristen stopped by to make sure I was OK. Telly, another friend also called and had Lillian over Monday morning so I could get some rest. Over the last few weeks I have also gotten a couple of meals from a few who knew how sick I was feeling. What did I do to be so blessed to be surrounded by such caring women? They kept telling me it isn't a sign of weakness to need a little help sometimes. I am so grateful for these selfless women. I am determined to be that kind of woman in the future - - one who notices a need and runs to help! A meal, a shoulder to cry on, a break from my children . . . these acts literally have saved me.