The best intentions . . .

So I have been feeling a bit irritable lately. I think to myself, "is it post partum depression a bit late? Am I going through hormonal changes?" Then in talking to a friend I realize certain things about my life that make me think "duh- that was easy to figure out- - of COURSE I am feeling irritable!" First, I haven't been consistently exercising and getting outside. Second and probably the biggest, I definitely do not get enough sleep. Night after night I fall farther behind. On the weekend I can sometimes sleep in if Jon is home, and try to catch up on a few hours . . . but it still isn't the same as 8 hours of straight un-interrupted sleep. Will I ever have this again? I can control the exercising and getting out - - and over the past half a week I have really made a change- and have set some goals for the up-coming month. Check. The sleep thing . . . well . . .

To prove my point-- despite my best intentions- this was my night last night.

10:30 pm I go to bed and am asleep before 11pm (it usually takes me 20 minutes to fall asleep)

12:30 am Tyler gets up and refuses to go back to sleep unless I nurse him. Up for about 20 minutes (feeding and it takes me at least 5-10 minutes to fall back asleep)

1:30 pm Lillian gets up to go potty, and refuses to go back to sleep until her blankets are just right and I sing her a song- up for about 15 minutes

2:30 am Tyler is up again and is extremely fussy with a runny nose and maybe even a tummy ache. Give him some meds and lay him back down. I go lay down and just as I am drifting off about 10 minutes later, he is crying again. I go comfort him (letting him "cry it out" just makes things worse at this point) and he repeats this pattern for about 45 minutes until I finally nurse him a bit then he goes back to sleep. Total time up- about an hour.

5:30 am Tyler is up AGAIN and I am about ready to kill the kid. He has a cold so is really irritable. At least this time I can lay him back down pretty easily after nursing a bit and comforting him. Only up for about 10 minutes.

6:45 am - - ALL the kids (including Tyler) are up, asking for breakfast, for me to make their lunches, etc . . . sigh- no sleeping in for me. This is where Jon often times is really helpful (depending on the rotation he is on) so I can catch another hour of sleep. He is always up by 6:30 or earlier - - but alas, he was on at the hospital last night . . . .

*** Total sleep for the night = 6 hours, with the longest stretch being 2 hours.

The old recommendation of "sleeping when the baby sleeps" is laughable for me with three other intense children to take care of. This is also why sleeping in or naps never work either. The main person who makes day time sleep impossible is my 3 1/2 year old . . . she can't really go more than 10 minutes without talking, pestering, playing or asking for things from me, and she does not nap so there is no break. The crazy thing- she reminds me of myself! One of the things I hear all day is "Mom, are you listening to me!". Wow- I remember saying that SAME thing to my mother. Although honestly it does make me a bit crazy on days, I wouldn't change my little girl for anything. She certainly makes my days full of wonder!

So, despite my best intentions of getting more sleep . . . you can see it isn't going to happen . . .

Granted, this isn't how it ALWAYS is because Tyler IS feeling a bit sick, but this kind of night has been happening more often (the last 4 nights for example), and even on a good night I am up about twice- - once or twice for Tyler, and once for Lillian. It never is just quick because it takes me 10 or so minutes to fall back asleep once I have gotten up. Jon can't really help because of his crazy no-sleep schedule as a resident- so he needs all the sleep he can get, plus he is preparing for boards and needs to cut out as much stress as possible. I always feel so bad when I do ask him to help- which happens every once an awhile . . . Crunch time on boards and difficult rotations are just starting- So- - I REALLY need to be able to handle it on my own. Heavenly Father- please just make me able to handle it and not be irritable!! I need Jon to come home to a happy home and a nice wife who doesn't bite his head off. I need to be a good mother who can hold it together at home . . . . I think the only way I will make it is with Heavenly Help!! Please pray for me!