Keep Moving Forward . . .

I am allowed to have a few freak out moments, right? Before I start into the depressing things we have found out recently, I want to say up-front that when I am praying, or have my more spiritual moments, I still do feel that peace that I have been feeling through our whole situation with Jon being let go from the Residency Program here (read more here). I know that Heavenly Father can work a miracle on our behalf . . . after all we can do . . . .if it is the right thing. I just have to trust in that, and that Jon will be led on what to do- and he will do it! There still is that nagging worry though, that it is just supposed to be our trial in life. Sometimes we are asked to go through sore trials, even if they seemingly ruin our life. I have to remember that if this career path doesn't work out and this door is closed- and that is our huge trial, then He will help us find an open window. Deep down I think that things will work out in the long run for him to be a doctor- though who knows what we will have to go through to get him there.

So- here are some of the devastating things we are finding out. First of all, it is REALLY hard to secure another Residency Program, especially in the same field (he is in Family Practice), after being "fired" from one. We were able to find openings and Jon applied to about 10, but nothing panned out. Even the interview in Iowa- which Jon felt went well, didn't pan out. Several days after the interview, they emailed saying they can't offer him a position (no other explanation). We have asked some of the programs he has applied to for feedback, but no one will tell him anything (maybe they are afraid of a lawsuit or something). We can speculate that he can't get another position because he has not yet passed step 3 COMLEX (we are finding out many programs won't even let him apply without this, and some won't even advance their own residents into the second year without having passed it). We can also speculate it is because he can't get a good reference from the program director here. I went onto some forums to find out what others have done in our situation- and it was super depressing. He really will need some heavenly help to be able to secure another spot- someone will have to feel that nudge to take a chance on him.

Since Jon hasn't secured a spot for the start of this residency year, he is focusing all his efforts on studying and re-taking the COMLEX step 3 (which he failed a year ago during some of the depression cycle problems). This HAS to happen- he HAS to pass or he REALLY can't move on. So I am praying that he will be able to focus well on this and get a good score.

The other depressing thing we found out, is that forever-more he will have to put on his licencing applications, hospital privilege applications, JOB applications that he has been terminated from a residency program. Even if he completes another one successfully, he has to list every GME (graduate medical education) program he has been involved with for a reference to be licenced. So- although he has a successful intern year under his belt, and after passing step 3 COMLEX, he technically could start moonlighting or doing locum tenems (temporary jobs), he will not be able to get the reference he needs from the residency program here stating they think it is safe for him to practice medicine. So he can't fall back on moonlighting as we thought. I do have to say that although I am worried about our immediate future with unemployment looming over us- how are we going to pay our bills, house payment, etc . . . . my major worry is the future of Jon's career.

It is depressing how this will follow him the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that we feel it was done unfairly. Even if his performance WAS suffering due to some depression, it couldn't possibly have been enough to warrant never being able to continue on with his career and never be allowed to practice medicine. He never did anything that harmed a patient through negligence or wrong doing, and the things they said he was doing wrong were so subjective- such as not clear enough presentations. They never really did give him specifics on what he was doing wrong- just that they thought he didn't have the knowledge base he needed (they especially said this after not passing COMLEX 3). I refuse to believe that Jon isn't capable or smart enough to be a good doctor. After graduating in the top ten percent in medical school, and passing the first two steps of the COMLEX fine- - I just can't believe that. So he has had a rough few years (mostly the anxiety depression due to the stress of how he was treated at the residency here)- - is that enough to damn someone in their career forever? Was all the time, schooling, loans and sacrifices all for nothing? Four years undergraduate work, four years of medical school (not to mention the time and cost it took to prepare and get into medical school), two years of a hellish experience in residency, $200,000 in student loans, managing apartment to get through, living in abject poverty (and tiny apartments) and being on government aid for food, driving super junker cars . . . . we have sacrificed so much for Jon's career. One of the things that always helped me get through these times was the thought that we will be rewarded in the end- it is worth it for him to be able to fulfill his dreams and have a rewarding career that gives him satisfaction and a good income. That has been completely ripped away from me- - now our future is extremely uncertain. Will he be able to continue with his career of choice, or is he going to have to find an alternate route, or even start over with a whole new career path? What can he do with a D.O. degree without actually practicing medicine? Research? He has tried that and it wasn't really right for him. Writing? Not his strong suit. Teaching? Maybe . . . though I think the schooling was supposed to be different. So, have all that we have sacrificed and put into his career been for nothing? And more practically, how are we going to pay of the huge amount of student loans? I would give anything to have the feelings of a secure future that I had while he was in school back.

OK- so enough complaining. I have made a decision to just take it one step at a time, and try not to freak out too much until he really can't go any further. As I said, right now he is studying for the COMLEX 3. We are really hoping that residency programs will be more receptive to his application once he passes this. He also needs to do all he can to show programs that he is making steps to do better. The hardest is that we still aren't really super clear as to what exactly went so wrong here - so it is hard to fix! I am praying that someone, somewhere will take a chance on him. He has just a few years to get into a new program- residency programs require that he will have graduated from medical school sometime in the last four years (which gives him until 2012).

The other thing I have made a decision to do is to trust Jon. I have been trying to support and help him, but sometimes I think what I do doesn't help. Especially when I get worried, have a freak out moment, or start nagging him to study, search for a job, etc . . . he just pulls away further. It is so hard for me to take a step back, because the consequences affect me and our children so devastatingly. We are a one income family- I have sacrificed a career to be home with our children and I have never regretted that. But, that means I don't have something income-wise to fall back on. Sure I have a bachelor's degree and some working experience- but not enough to get me a good paying job . . . especially in this economy. BUT, with all that said, I HAVE to take a step back and let Jon lead on this one. The more I push or talk, the more he pulls away. Men and women handle things so differently- he has told me straight out that there isn't any sense worrying about something we have no control over at the present moment, or about the future. All he can do is do his best to study and take things one step at a time. So- I am going to trust that- - and that he will be guided to what he needs to do. I can give support or ideas, but he has to take the lead! I pray that I can be supportive in the way I need to be. I need to stop worrying, trust in Jon and trust in God. I need to get back to my job being a good mother and taking care of my home. It is hard to not let the stress and worry seep into my relationship with my children. We still have to continue on being a strong and happy family! It is OK to enjoy having Jon home and do some fun (yet inexpensive) things as a family. We WILL get through this! I am grateful that things aren't worse - - no one is seriously ill, our relationships are strong (marital problems would be a much worse trial than what we are going through- in fact making it through times like this will only make our relationship stronger), and we have a little money in savings for us to live on - - at least for a few months anyway. Jon had a Priesthood blessing right before he went to his interview in Iowa- and the main things emphasized in that blessing is how much Heavenly Father is in our lives right now and how HE has our financial future in mind. We are going to be OK, and I have had many feelings that something better for Jon, and our family is coming. I am resolving to take a step back and trust in that! I will trust the feelings of peace I have had through the last six weeks or so- when I have my "freak out" moments, I will do what I can to re-claim those peaceful feeling that everything will be OK!

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us, encouraged us, and sent their love! And to quote a line from a favorite Disney movie- we will "Keep Moving Forward!" (Meet the Robinsons)

Tiger Lily . . .

Last year we tried to get a picture of Lillian by our Tiger Lillies- - she is our Lily! As a two year old, she wouldn't really cooperate. This year, as soon as we noticed them blooming and started talking about the Tiger Lillies, she ran over to them and told us to take a picture of her with them- - I think she remembered last year when we were trying to get her to pose with the flowers! She understands that she is our Lily- - just like we have a Cynthia "rose" . . .

My cute little man

I just adore my little Tyler. At 8 months old, he is crawling now, and has so much personality!


Cute little boys- Tyler has a friend! (the son of my friend Cathy from Sunnyside):

Big Change Coming . . .

I am not even sure how to start this post. I am a bit behind on my blog- so I apologize to anyone who doesn't know our news and is just finding out.

If you have been following my blog, you will know that the last two years have been hell (sorry- I am not sure how else to say it) for us when it came to what Jon had to go through with the residency program here. From the start it was not a good fit- and even resulted in some mental health issues. My pregnancy with Tyler weakened me and neither Jon or I had the strength to really handle what we needed to as a family. I remember talking with a friend who's husband went through residency (he's a podiatrist like my dad) and I couldn't figure out exactly why it was such a trial for us. Now looking back, I have such an understanding of what depression, anxiety, and a bad situation at work can do to a family- - even when you aren't the one experiencing it. I just knew something was wrong but couldn't pinpoint it. Anyway, Jon was required to get some treatment and take a month off (that is when he fixed up the yard last year!) which was wonderful and really helped. From that point on we felt like everything was so much better, and even many of the doctors he worked with thought he was doing much better. The director of the program, on the other hand, from that point on had Jon under a microscope and was really hard on him. For the last year he threatened off and on to "terminate" him - not ever really giving him constructive advice on how to do better. The extra things they required him to do weren't helpful, in fact just made things more stressful and busy for him. Even with that- he did fine on all his rotations except the FMS (hospital service) rotation where they work crazy long shifts (30 hours several times a week, along with normal 12 hour days in between) and were expected to admit and take care of a large number of patients in the hospital. Because they didn't feel like he was doing well enough in this rotation- on May 12th- - he was told they couldn't advance him to third year and officially dismissed him from the Residency Program. The weeks leading up to this were CRAZY. I have never seen Jon so stressed and so many unfair things were happening. He was blamed for things that weren't even his fault and nit-picked over everything he did. The director is the kind of guy who when he gets in his mind something is a certain way- good luck changing that opinion. No matter what Jon could have done, I don't think his opinion would ever have been very good of Jon. Even if Jon wasn't performing to the best of his abilities, the way they treated him was, in my opinion, really unfair. He never did anything that endangered his patients in any way or did anything that I would think would get a resident fired. The director even told him that they weren't there to teach him, that he should have learned everything in Medical School. If this is the case, why do they even have to go through a residency if they already know everything? This, and so many other things made this program not a good fit from the start. He didn't get any OMM (Osteopathic) training, even though this is a dually (DO and MD) program, and even was discouraged from using it. The extreme hospital focus, and focus on WORKING instead of LEARNING, and zero tolerance for minor mistakes wasn't right. After Jon making it this far- and even graduating in the top 10 percent from medical school, I refuse to believe that he isn't good enough to be a Family Doctor. As seen in one of my recent posts about Residency, not all programs are the same and we are finding out that most other programs would be a better fit for Jon.

Through all of this, and even though it is a trial- I have felt an incredible amount of peace. In fact, it is a HUGE relief to have Jon out of a bad situation that was affecting his well-being and his health. The weeks leading up to his dismissal were so bad- we did talk about a change. Because finding a new program or changing tracks is so difficult, he would most likely be set back a year or more, and we would have to move so far away, Jon was going to stick it out. I guess Heavenly Father has another path for us- because now we have no choice but to change!

Over the last month we have been working hard to find Jon another position. It took us a while to figure out how to even find where there are openings for a second year resident. There isn't one centralized place to list openings, and the few websites that do list openings (which might not even show all of them) cost a lot of money to subscribe to. Finally, the way that produced the best results, was finding a directory of AOA (D.O.) accredited Family Practice Programs (the ACOFP website) and making a huge list, state by state. We emailed a cover letter and Curriculum Vitae to almost every program, state by state (except the eastern sea-board) and found some openings (in Oklahoma, Texas, Iowa, Michigan and Pennsylvania). Some of the applications didn't pan out (Jon is at a dis-advantage not getting a good reference from his director here), but he did land an interview in Bettendorf, Iowa. He just had the interview today and we are hoping to hear back in the next day or two! If this doesn't work out, we do have some other applications turned in that will hopefully turn into a good interview. The program in Iowa is much smaller, more laid back, and set up more like what Family Practitioners do when they are out of Residency (they split the call so do one on-call day a week- no crazy "hospital service" rotations). They are also only a D.O. program- and focus a lot on the OMM, clinic, and Osteopathic principles. I hope that if this one doesn't work out, he can find another one like this. It is also nice to know that if he doesn't get into a program this year, after he passes his next step of testing he can "moonlight" and we would be OK income-wise until he can try for another residency program next year.

Again, I feel a lot of peace- what makes me anxious is just not knowing what is going to happen or where we will be this year. I can't bring myself to start packing until we know we ARE moving. After moving back from Des Moines to Washington, I swore we would never move that far again, and that we were in the Northwest to stay. That is one of the reasons Jon only applied to residencies in the Northwest- Yakima being the only D.O accredited program. Apparently - there are places with so many better opportunities! All in all, though, I don't regret being here in Yakima the last two years. If we had gone straight to something half way across the country, I would have wished we stayed closer to home. Now I know we don't have an option- and that having a better work environment for my husband is so much more important than living close to home! All these experiences have been for our good and have given us experience and humility. Not all things in Yakima have been bad- we actually really love living in the East Valley area of Yakima, love the schools, the sunshine, the fruit, the nearby mountains, and so many good friends. We love our very first house and gained so much joy fixing it up and making it ours. The birth of Tyler was also such a wonderful event for our family. Although it was hard to be pregnant and have a new-born with all Jon was going through, I will NEVER regret having him then. He brings such joy to our home.

I also feel that Heavenly Father is watching out for us. I KNOW this. Financially things are working out (at least so far), and I even feel that something will work out for our house, whether we end up selling it or renting it out. I just know we are being watched out for - - and even if things are difficult, we ARE strong enough to make it through. Not that I don't have my moments where I am frustrated that we are even in this situation, and am sooo sad that we have to leave our home, leave Washington and living close to family, and uproot our family, taking the kids away from their friends and me from mine . . . but truly, my overall feeling is one of extreme peace and a knowledge that thing will be OK. I am sooo grateful for the feelings of peace I have been blessed with at this time. I also feel like I have an army of people praying for us and can feel the love of so many family members and friends. Even people who have worked with Jon professionally have shown how highly they think of Jon and want to help him further his career.

Another HUGE blessing is just having him home with us!!! It has been WONDERFUL to have him back, and honestly I haven't seen him this happy (I think relieved is a better way to put it) in a long time. I think he is so ready for a fresh start and I am again seeing that zeal to further his career in medicine (he was so bogged down and burned out before). Although we have been super busy trying to find him a new program, do the last minute projects around the house, and so forth- it has been great to spend time together as a couple and as a family. He even would get the kids ready for school and let me sleep in a little. . . heaven!! I think we all needed to spend some time together.

So- thank you to the many who have shown their love and concern for us over the last few years and recently- your encouragement has been invaluable! Thank you for your continued prayers!! Becoming a physician is a LONG, LONG road of financial, emotional, and physical hardships- but one worth taking if it fulfills a life-long dream. For me as a spouse- I have been right there on that road from the beginning, and although I don't have the medical knowledge, I feel just as accomplished as Jon! My most deepest desire is to be like the kind of wife sucessful men talk about when they say "I couldn't have done it without my wife" . . .

The City of Roses

Happy Anniversary and Memorial Day in Portland!

At the last minute, we decided to pop down to Portland on Sunday May 30th- our 12 year wedding anniversary. We stayed with Aunt Beth (my grandmother's sister who lives in Vancouver) and spent Monday the 31st walking around the Temple showing the kids where we were married and visiting Washington Park. Amazingly, despite a lot of rain overnight, we had some scattered sunshine and fairly decent weather (even though it was raining in Yakima!). It was a wonderful little get away.

It was so fun to visit my great-aunt Beth! She was so hospitable letting us stay at her house and she took us out to dinner. What a treat and I enjoyed our converstations!


The Temple is always gorgeous- what a wonderful 12 years it has been. Our love as husband and wife runs so deep and truly is eternal.



Washington Park and the rose gardens:







Last but not least, we drove by the Bed and Breakfast in Portland where Jon stayed when we got married. I can hardly believe it has been 12 years, yet I feel like I know Jon at such a deep level it feels like I have always known him. As I have said- through the good and the bad, he is MY PRINCE FOREVER! We have had many hard times, and many, many good times - - and expect more of both as we grow old together! I am so grateful for him and love we share. It is truly the most amazing blessing.

Good weather, bad weather . . .

The weather this spring has been so crazy- - we had a few random warm days, but the rest of it has been super rainy and cold. Last year we had our pool open by the end of May- this year we are still wearing jackets. Crazy. We have had so much rain over the last few weeks (and off and over the last few months), we haven't had to water our lawn. On one hand it is making everything so green, and truly I don't mind the freshness of the rain. On the other hand- the kids are cooped up and we are all missing the sun! Truly I can't complain, though, Jon has been great at getting the bikes up and running, so the kids have been getting out when the rain isn't falling.

Luckily we had some really nice weather the weekend we went back to Spoakne (May 14-17). We headed up to Spokane mainly to go to the Temple, and to visit with family after some difficult news (more about that in another post). We also had some fun in Coer d'Alene with the kids at the Park and dipping our feet in the lake. Roasting Marshmallows on Grandpa Wilson's fire pit is always a bonus! My parents are in Great Britain for a month- - so we missed them, but visiting Jon's parents and his sister Chris on Sunday was wonderful and needed.

Coer d'Alene is always a fun way to enjoy some nice weather!

Violin recital

I am so proud of my little musicians! They did a great job at their end of the year recital.

Cookie Dough

Happiness is a girl's night in with my two beautiful little girls, making cookie dough together just to eat the cookie dough, and watching cutsie movies! (Marcus and Jon are at the fathers and sons campout tonight).

Tyler's 6 month pictures

Tyler at 7 months old

Actually, Tyler will be 8 months old on the 7th (above is a more current picture of him- my little blondie!) I am posting these really late! He is such a fun baby. He is eating up a storm, and especially loves to eat things he can pick up with his little fingers. He still will not take a bottle and so is still nursing, which is interesting for me because all my babies stopped nursing at this age. He is super social and LOVES to play and watch his older siblings, and any other children near by. He can't sleep without his blanket and pacifier, and still wakes up a few times at night. Though I do miss sleep, I love nursing and snuggling with him. He is just starting to crawl and sits up without any trouble. My absolute favorite thing is to play with him and getting him to giggle- it is the most wonderful sound on this earth! Truly, I want my baby to stay a baby longer! He is growing up way too fast- - I know he will be a big kid before I can blink. What a wonderful blessing he has been for our family.

Enjoy these amazing pictures my friend Melissa took of Tyler!