"Supernal Joys of Life"

This week was a difficult one for me. For some reason I couldn't really put my finger on, I felt very homesick, anxious, and stressed out. Maybe it was because of Jon's grandpa passing away- we feel so far away, or because our future is not settled as Jon looks for positions for next year, I haven't been getting enough sleep and the school year here is nearing the end. I don't know. I found myself stressing out over things like finances and our uncertain future (stuff like- what if the position he gets won't pay for the relocation? Or- what if we can't afford to buy a house?). Jon and I were usually up late going over jobs and applications, or planning our upcoming little church history trip (which is exciting- but again, I feel a twinge of guilt because of finances - - and on the flip side I know that this is our CHANCE- we only live 6 hours from Palmyra, and 3 1/2 from Kirtland!). It is GOOD business, so it was hard to figure out why I felt stressed out about it. My life isn't half as hard as some of the past years with Jon last residency program, and our major change last year as Jon had to switch programs - - He is home so much more and we do wonderful things together as a family. Oh- there's the ins and outs of raising four children and the ups and downs that go with it, but nothing too terrible right now. I finally figured out that change is scary for me. Although it is a change we have been working toward for SOOOO long and I can't wait for it- it is still CHANGE and there are uncertainties that go with it, and I think deep down inside I am like Repuzel on "Tangled" when she talks about being terrified right before fufilling her dream of seeing the lanterns.

All in all for those few days I just felt emotionally OFF. My patience was really thin and I wondered if I was really cut out to be a mom. This is what I chose for my life- to dedicate myself to my home and family - - but it was one of those weeks where every time I heard "MOOOOMMMMM!!" I just wanted to run and hide. After a particularly hard day of cleaning up smashed goldfish crackers (and more), trying to reason with complaining children, picking up several peed-in pants, and scrubbing makeup out of my carpet, all while worrying how we were going to pay our credit card bills (after having to pay $1000 for Jon's boards at the last minute), I just didn't want to deal with it anymore, and WHY do my children have to be so demanding? One morning I was reading Elder Scott's General Conference talk and one particular part really hit me strong.

" . . .about 4:00 am, I was awakened as I felt two little arms around my neck, a kiss on the cheek, and these words whispered in my ear, which I will never forget 'Dad, I love you. You are my best friend.' IF you are having that kind of experience in your family, you are having one of the supernal joys of life."

Immediately images of countless times that my girls have wrapped their arms around my neck and said those very words, or times like mother's day when Cynthia said she was so blessed by me. I thought of the many heart to heart conversations which took place while I sat on the edge of Marcus' bed, and Tyler snuggling into my shoulder and patting his little hand on my back, or his giggles and smiles when I play with him. I thought of the countless pictures drawn saying I love you mom, or the times we have laughed together. I thought of Lillian bringing me her "little blanket" (she can't sleep without it) to make be feel better when she saw me crying one day- saying "you can have little blanket to help you feel better".

I realized how much I AM experiencing one of the "supernal joys of life". Life would be so empty without my children. Simpler and easier, YES- but I can't imagine my life without any one of my children, and especially without my beloved husband. Truly, I am so blessed!