Miscarriage

It is time to post about a major recent event in the Wilson family household. After half a year of trying, we were blessed to get pregnant with our fifth child! We were super excited, especially about the May 2013 due date (since we can't really plan when it will finally happen). Well, it wasn't meant to be, because on October 2nd (I was 9 weeks pregnant), I started to bleed. I went in the next day to get an ultrasound to see what was happening, and they found no heartbeat, and the fetal sack was measuring at 7 weeks. I went home that day with a heavy heart, knowing that our dreams of another child was not meant to be at this time. Miscarriages are so common in the first trimester, but it still is a hard thing to go through. The next several weeks were horrible, even after the major part of the miscarriage happened, the bleeding and complete exhaustion lingered for several more weeks until the fetal sack finally passed. The worst of it happened right during the morning Sunday session of General Conference and the hour after. I remember trying to decorate Tyler's birthday cake (that Sunday was Tyler's Birthday) and trying to just ignore the pain. Luckily the cake was mostly done when it got bad enough that I couldn't leave the bathroom. Anyway, I went in for an appointment and the doctor showed me on the ultrasound that the fetal sack was still there, so we tried Misoprostol (a medicaion to help get it all out). A week and a half later at my next appt, the doctor again told me the news that it hadn't passed so we scheduled a D&C for his next available spot- which wasn't for almost another week. I tried a second round of the meds just in case (I really didn't want to go through a D&C, let alone the cost of it). Luckily, just a day and a half before the surgery was set, everything passed, and I started feeling MUCH better. Looking back, it probably would have been worth it to just do the D&C and get it over with, because it was a pretty hard 3 weeks- I really did feel sick and tired- - worse than when I was pregnant. It also is amazing how much harder this one was than the one I had before Marcus, in April 2000.

Besides the physical things of a miscarriage, the emotions are of course pretty intense. I have come to terms with it and feel a lot of peace. Of course I worry about the future, because of some of the commplications I had after Tyler (see this post, and my letter below). I truly feel like someone (or maybe even more than one someone) is missing in our family. The feeling gets more and more intense as time moves on. It would be super painful to have to go through several miscarriages to get that next child. When I am in my quiet prayerful moments, I feel a lot of peace and know all will be well in the end. This is just part of the journey.

In the middle of all of it, this was a message I wrote to a second cousin of mine. She has gone through many miscarriages and she was great at giving me advice and a place to vent. It explains a lot of what was going on, and even when I wrote this, I wasn't close to being done miscarrying. I thought I was, but still had a few weeks of feeling horrible and trying to get everything out.

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I should call you! Thanks for sharing your personal experiences with this- it helps me sort through my own emotions. My last miscarriage was 12 ½ years ago before I got pregnant with Marcus. I count myself blessed to have had four healthy children in a row (even if it does take us a while to get pregnant). The last one was a “Blighted ovum” which means the placenta grew, but the little group of cells that eventually form into a baby never developed- so there never was a baby there. I remember that pregnancy was really light- meaning I didn’t get sick or tired very much, and I miscarried at 8 weeks (though the sack had stopped developing MUCH earlier). The miscarriage was upsetting, of course, but looking back it wasn’t too bad- it didn’t last long. I remember being happy that at least I could get pregnant, since that was a worry at that point (it took us over a year of trying). I think it also helped that I knew there was never a baby. I got pregnant with Marcus only three months later. Fast forward to now, and although I was only 9 weeks when I started miscarrying- it has been a whole different ball game this time. I definitely felt VERY pregnant (the normal sick, tired, etc) and this miscarriage was much more intense and still lingering. My biggest question is whether or not it was a blighted ovum like before, or was there really a little life in there? They did an ultrasound when it first started, and the fetal sack was only measuring at 7 weeks, and they could find no signs of life. Morbidly I looked through everything that came out of me- there definitely was at least twice as much tissue as my last miscarriage, but I didn’t really get any answers from doing that. That little baby would have been smaller than my pinky fingernail. Maybe I will never know. Because of the differences I do feel like I did lose a life. You are so right- no matter how small they are- they feel like a child of mine. My other children most definitely had the same little personality in the womb as out . . . . In the end I worry that I did something wrong, or there is something wrong with me that will make it hard to carry a child. I had a c-section with Tyler- and then another surgery because of an IUD that had popped out of my uterus and had to be surgically removed from my abdominal cavity. Would either of those things have an effect? I am guessing (and hoping) not. I am also older- my mom had to supplement her hormones to get Brian – and she was younger than I am now. I also exercised pretty intensely (as I had been leading up to the pregnancy), and I even had a bad stomach flu in the first few weeks- - could either of those thing had an effect? I will probably never know. I could make myself crazy over these questions. But truly , in my prayerful moments I feel peace and comfort. All I can do is move forward and enjoy the family I have in this moment. Life is so good for us here in Spokane and I feel so blessed. I have been feeling since we moved here “what is going to be our next big trial”- - our life here has been too good to be true. Even the pregnancy- I remember the first few weeks thinking “this is too good to be true- to be due in May!” Especially since we really never can plan since it takes us so long to get pregnant. I am hoping that this is just one of those things that happens sometimes- I have talked to so many women who have had several miscarriages and still have large families. On the flip side- It is amazing how much I NOTICE the high number of pregnant women- - even just walking around the grocery store- - and I am so stinking jealous. I feel more than ever that missing family member.
Wow- I didn’t mean to write all that- it just came pouring out. Thanks for letting me vent all this- I know you more than understand, and have been through so much more. I pray earnestly for you and your family too- for all the hard things you have had to go through. Honestly, after this last week, I can’t even imagine the pain you have had to go through. Your strength and wisdom is inspiring!

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Our house on Calispel Ct

Some of the pictures were taken more recently- our house didn't look like this when we first moved in- this was a work in progress over 7 months- - but I thought it would be appropriate to do a house post next, and all the pictures we have gotten since we moved in. In short, I love the 3600, 5 bedroom, 3 level house we moved into! Our yard is even interesting, even if it isn't as big as we hoped (although it is bigger than some of our neighbors). The previous owners (who were also LDS) did some nice painting and things to the inside of the house to really give a nice elegant feel and we have had fun getting REALLY good deals on Craig's List for gently used furniture, and getting a few new things (washer and dryer and a set of couches for our family room). Most of all, I love the neighborhood itself- the pine trees, beautifully kept yards, flowers, and best of all the plentiful amount of families with kids. In our cul de sac alone there are two other families with four kids each, and moms who stay at home and who have become some of my dearest friends.

Here are some random pictures of a few areas of our house (I need to add some nice pictures of our beautiful entry way staircase and formal living and dining- for some reason I don't have a good picture of either from after we moved in).

My kitchen is MUCH more enjoyable to cook in!!

This Dining Room table was an amazing Craig's List Find- we spent 800- - just the chair's apholstry was worth that (according to the previous owner- they had been done for over $100 each a few years ago- - and their are 8 heavy, wonderful chairs!) It looks so nice in our formal dining room.

Another angle of our kitchen: A pretty typical scene- Marcus playing on the computer!

Our basement playroom from several angles: The basement also has, not shown here, a huge workroom, nice bathroom with a double shower, and spare bedroom

Our bedroom with our awesome craigs list furniture is pictured next, along with the entire solid oak carved bedroom set we got for a steal. It includes the bed (not including the mattresses- we had our own), two bed side tables, a huge dresser with mirror and armoir- - for, get this, $750! When we first moved in we had nothing in our room but our mattress and box springs on the floor- we got rid of the junky furniture before we moved. It was time for an upgrade!

The girl's room upstairs (Tyler also has a room upstairs)

Marcus' bedroom (on the main level)- - it started out as our "office" for a few months- but then just became a junk room, so we moved the computer to a nice big corner desk in the basement (pictured above) and gave Marcus that room- he loves it!

There is so much more to show on the inside- but I don't have good pictures, sigh. Anyway- on to the outside! It is a work in progress- there is so much more we want to do- but we got a pretty good start! The biggest thing I want for next year is a SPRINKLER system. I hated hauling around a hose all summer, and even then our grass looked horrible by the end of the summer since I was terribely inconsistent.

We re-did the front flower bed:

Jon cut down a bunch of junk trees in the back corner that had gotten HUGE- next year we hope to have a spot with some sun for a garden. Our yard has a lot of shade, so it was nice to open it up a little.

Trimming the trees of dead branches!

A couple of before and after type pictures of right off our back deck - there was an overgrown foresty type of area separated from the grassy area which we turned into a fire-pit patio.

Before:
Looking out off the deck:

Looking up the path out to the gate to the front yard:

Beginning of the project: Jon did a paver path from the gate (this is looking from from the front yard into the back)

Putting in new stairs and more of the path:

Putting in the patio:

It still isn't 100 percent done- we need to do the border and finishing sand after it settles, and then do the stone work on the firepit. I would also love to landscape around the edges better. It was a fun project for Jon over the summer!

All in all- we love our house and plan to be here for a REALLY long time.

Welcome to Spokane!

Ahh- the pine trees, the mountains, family- we came home!! After living here 6 months, I can truly say that this feels like home more than any other place we have ever lived. This includes our new neighborhood even- I truly never want to leave. I love how close and plentiful the shopping is (I can practically walk to Fred Meyer- my new FAVORITE store ever- besides good prices and atmosphere, they even have a play land I can drop Tyler off at while I shop!!). I love the scenery and close the "wilderness" is- although we are "in town", if feels clean and beautiful. I love our cute suburban neighborhood, not too old and not too new- with some of the most wonderful neighbors I have ever been blessed to have. I love how it isn't too upscale (out of my comfort zone since I am not the type to wear designer clothes, ha ha), but yet very nice. We even live just blocks from the church- not just any church also- it is the Stake Center! The Elementary school is right across the street from the church, so the kids just walk to school every day. Life is truly wonderful for me and the kids here.

We spent our first few days in Spokane staying at my parent's house until the final closing went through on our house and all of our stuff arrived! I registered the kids for Brentwood Elementary (a bit challenging to start in the middle of the year, but luckily the kids did great). Another one of our first item's of business (besides just moving in), was to find Jon a new car- and we found a Suburu Forester (Jon's first non- beater car!!) It is nice to move up in the world. We also spent time visiting family- it was great to be back!

Jon's dad and sisters square dancing!

Closing day on the house- getting OUR keys!! The longer we are in this house, the more I just adore it.

Welcome Dr. Wilson!! We have definitely taken a jump in income- and boy it feels good to have all that insane hard work and hardship pay off. So far Jon loves working as a Doctor out in Deer Park (about 15 minute drive north of where we live in Spokane), and after his first few months he was up to a full schedule, which is amazing for a new doctor. He feels well liked- which is everything. Work is still stressfull for him, and the paperwork tends to pile up, but it is just the nature of being a professional, I think. Day to day isn't perfect- but overall Jon is very happy with the way things are turning out in his carreer. Again, the paycheck helps- it feels AMAZING to pay off credit cards, and the line of credit the bank gave us for our down payment (WA Trust Bank worked an incredible in-house deal for us- - again- - the title DR. does a lot!). Even though the student loan payment is a large one- it feels so wonderful to have that balance going DOWN after so many years of it going up. Besides paying off debts, we are able to live more comfortably - - and after so many years of literally scraping by and going farther and farther into debt- I can finally appreciate the blessings of my husband's carreer choice.

DISNEYWORLD!!! The best way to move . . .

Our favorite place to go when we want to celebrate something big- like graduating from residency! Reminiscent of Extreme Makover Home Edition, where the lucky family gets to go on a trip while their new house is being built... while our truckload of belongings was crossing the frozen February country, we decided to go on a vacation to somewhere warm and wonderful. It was such a convenient time- - since we were in transition, the kids didn't have to take time out of school, and the travel arrangements were AWESOME. We DROVE to Orlando, then shipped our car and flew to our new home in Spokane, WA when the trip was over. We made it to Spokane just in time to close on our house and have our stuff delivered. Since our move was paid for this time (a one and only luxury out of 12 moves in our married life!!), our only travel cost was the gas to get to Orlando (and then we didn't have to rent a car), park tickets food and souveniers. Our stay in the awesome luxury condos was at no upfront cost (besides our cost of being timeshare owners which is spread out). What a glorious time. Our theme song for this time period was from the Disneyworld commercial "Good Life" by One Republic- - we knew good things were coming!! (just a quick note, I was soooo disappointed when I downloaded the song and realized there is one swear word- that is nicely ommitted in the radio version- makes me so mad!) Anyway, now that it is 6 months later, we really DO have a GOOD LIFE. All the hard work, tears, and sweat are paying off. Anything we wen through for Jon to become a Doctor is paying of- not just financially (which IS awesome), but emotionally for everyone. We truly are so blessed.

Anyway, back to Disney- my parents came with us and we had a blast in the gorgeous 60-80 degree sunny February Orlando weather!

The first day in Orlando was Sunday, and we took a nice rest day and then started our fun on Monday at the magic kingdom. It was a bit nippy that day, but warmed up nicely, and the weather stayed in the 70's pretty much the whole week.

One of my absolute favorite memories was my parents treating us to the AWESOME buffet at the Crystal Palace. It was pricey but soooooo good and so fun. I don't think I have ever eaten so much in my life. The Key Lime pie was to die for, and the kids loved seeing Winnie the Pooh and his gang!

We love Disney's 3-D attractions!!

AND the Haunted Mansion . . .

Ending the day with the Main Street Electrical Parade and Fireworks, perfect, despite the crowds!

Tuesday, our second day was Epcot- -

We love the world showcase! We did half this day and half another.

While the adults enjoy the atmosphere and culture, the kids (including my husband) love getting stamps for the passport and doing the Kid-cot station craft. One nice memory from that day is when Lillian dropped the bear puppet she had colored and decorated into the lake, and with big tears streaming down her face Cynthia came to the rescue and gave Lillian hers. Lillian brightened right up and gave Cynthia a huge hug. Warms my heart!

At one of the Kid-cot stations:

Third day was at Disney's Hollywood Studios:

Tower of Terror is definitely a favorite!!

And of course the Rock n Roller coaster

And just the Hollywood FUN!

If anyone is wondering how we handled this kind of a trip with a two year old who still needs naps- this is it!!

Every once and awhile we would have to split up for the rides that the little kids couldn't go on, so there was some down time. The great thing about Disney is how they handle the ride share- we could get a pass that allowed the second half of our group (the ones waiting with the little ones) to go throug the fast pass line- up to three people. This allowed some of our group to go more than once and the person waiting behind didn't have to wait alone. Truly, big rides still took longer overall, but it was very nice and usually there were things to look at or do while waiting. Truly, Tyler did GREAT and had so much fun too, though I do have to admit he was pretty exhausted the last few days.

Daddy's need down time too! Ha Ha. I think this was actually during lunch one day (another great thing about Disney, you can pack in your own lunch!! A stroller and wheelchair helped transport it all . . . ) Due to her foot still giving her some problems (she had surgery a few months previous), my Mom rode in a wheelchair this trip to Disney. Super handy, because Lillian ended up in her lap when she got tired and it was a great place to stash bags! Mom said she really bonded with Lillian on this trip . . .

Treats were also a daily tradition!

Funny Grandpa!

Another favorite memory from our whole trip was seeing Phineas and Ferb at Hollywood Studios. While the kids were waiting in line, they had all kinds of fun songs and games which they took volunteers out of the line to help perform. Marcus got to be in the "Backyard Beach" and Cynthia had to dance with "Squirrells in her pants!" Even seeing the characters was a party. My kids all love Phineas and Ferb!!

Fourth day: Animal Kingdom.

Honestly, I think this was Tyler's absolute favorite park- he loved seeing the animals- - this is the coolest zoo a person will ever go to! I won't bore you with the scores of animals we took pictures of- but here are a few pics of us enjoying the park!

Marcus' favorite souveniers- - His green puffle (club penguin), and the pins! He even got to trade some . . . We were all in on the fun for that one.

Day 5- Friday at the Magic Kingdom again!

Taking the boat over:

Cynthia- our meat eater, loved the smoked Turkey Leg!!

Tired but happy on our last night at the Magic Kingdom!

Day 6: a REALLY crowded day at Hollywood Studios

Phew- I just have to say, the one downside to the whole trip is that it was SUPER crowded while we were there. I was suprised, with it being February, but apparently half the people there were from South America (mostly Argentina and Brazil), since it is their "summer" holiday - - AND it was the week leading up to Presidents Day, so the weekend was the worst. For the most part, Disney does a great job of handling crowds, and if you time things right and get fast passes for the most popular rides, you really don't have to wait that long. Saturday at Hollywood Studios was beyond reasonable, though. We headed to our favorites to get fast passes- and by late morning all the time slots were gone! We really wanted to see the Toy Story Mania ride- but the wait most of the day was over 2 hours. We found ourselves doing kind of the lesser known things for awhile, or playgrounds for a good portion of the day. Still fun! Glad this was our second day.

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As afternoon came, we realized that we really couldn't do much without waiting in really long lines, so we decided to take a little swimming break back at our resort, and then go back for a late night back at Hollywood Studios. This worked out great, because we got in some nap time, some relaxing fun, dinner, and then went back to a much more manageable crowd and saw the rest of the things we wanted to see!

We DID get to do Toy Story Mania! Still not a short wait, but not as bad as earlier. This one is actually really fun to wait for- as you weave along the Candy Land game board and see the life size toys . . .

Day 7: Epcot for our final day

We love Canada . . .

Princesses in France:

and best of all French Pastries, treat of Grandpa, in France!! It's tradition since that is where he served his mission in 1973-1974 (the real France, of course).

What a wonderful way to end our trip!

Our last day we had a later flight, so we stopped by Downtown Disney for one more stop at the Lego store:

Golden Corral on the way to the airport- great to fill our tummies before the long flights, and long night to get home. (We love that we live close to one here in Spokane too . . . )

Time to go home- our new home!! It WAS a long flight home. When Tyler cried the entire first flight, I just had to remember how the miles were just slipping away below us, and that a few hours of ahem *heck* on the airplane was better than a weeks worth of driving, like when we moved to Michigan (that WAS worse).

Luckily after our first layover both Lillian and Tyler were passed out and they slept the last leg of the flight.

Arriving in Spokane truly DID feel like coming home! Coming home to our wonderful new life! Our time at Disney will definitely be my favorite set of memories for 2012- and that is saying something.