Miscarriage

It is time to post about a major recent event in the Wilson family household. After half a year of trying, we were blessed to get pregnant with our fifth child! We were super excited, especially about the May 2013 due date (since we can't really plan when it will finally happen). Well, it wasn't meant to be, because on October 2nd (I was 9 weeks pregnant), I started to bleed. I went in the next day to get an ultrasound to see what was happening, and they found no heartbeat, and the fetal sack was measuring at 7 weeks. I went home that day with a heavy heart, knowing that our dreams of another child was not meant to be at this time. Miscarriages are so common in the first trimester, but it still is a hard thing to go through. The next several weeks were horrible, even after the major part of the miscarriage happened, the bleeding and complete exhaustion lingered for several more weeks until the fetal sack finally passed. The worst of it happened right during the morning Sunday session of General Conference and the hour after. I remember trying to decorate Tyler's birthday cake (that Sunday was Tyler's Birthday) and trying to just ignore the pain. Luckily the cake was mostly done when it got bad enough that I couldn't leave the bathroom. Anyway, I went in for an appointment and the doctor showed me on the ultrasound that the fetal sack was still there, so we tried Misoprostol (a medicaion to help get it all out). A week and a half later at my next appt, the doctor again told me the news that it hadn't passed so we scheduled a D&C for his next available spot- which wasn't for almost another week. I tried a second round of the meds just in case (I really didn't want to go through a D&C, let alone the cost of it). Luckily, just a day and a half before the surgery was set, everything passed, and I started feeling MUCH better. Looking back, it probably would have been worth it to just do the D&C and get it over with, because it was a pretty hard 3 weeks- I really did feel sick and tired- - worse than when I was pregnant. It also is amazing how much harder this one was than the one I had before Marcus, in April 2000.

Besides the physical things of a miscarriage, the emotions are of course pretty intense. I have come to terms with it and feel a lot of peace. Of course I worry about the future, because of some of the commplications I had after Tyler (see this post, and my letter below). I truly feel like someone (or maybe even more than one someone) is missing in our family. The feeling gets more and more intense as time moves on. It would be super painful to have to go through several miscarriages to get that next child. When I am in my quiet prayerful moments, I feel a lot of peace and know all will be well in the end. This is just part of the journey.

In the middle of all of it, this was a message I wrote to a second cousin of mine. She has gone through many miscarriages and she was great at giving me advice and a place to vent. It explains a lot of what was going on, and even when I wrote this, I wasn't close to being done miscarrying. I thought I was, but still had a few weeks of feeling horrible and trying to get everything out.

-----------

I should call you! Thanks for sharing your personal experiences with this- it helps me sort through my own emotions. My last miscarriage was 12 ½ years ago before I got pregnant with Marcus. I count myself blessed to have had four healthy children in a row (even if it does take us a while to get pregnant). The last one was a “Blighted ovum” which means the placenta grew, but the little group of cells that eventually form into a baby never developed- so there never was a baby there. I remember that pregnancy was really light- meaning I didn’t get sick or tired very much, and I miscarried at 8 weeks (though the sack had stopped developing MUCH earlier). The miscarriage was upsetting, of course, but looking back it wasn’t too bad- it didn’t last long. I remember being happy that at least I could get pregnant, since that was a worry at that point (it took us over a year of trying). I think it also helped that I knew there was never a baby. I got pregnant with Marcus only three months later. Fast forward to now, and although I was only 9 weeks when I started miscarrying- it has been a whole different ball game this time. I definitely felt VERY pregnant (the normal sick, tired, etc) and this miscarriage was much more intense and still lingering. My biggest question is whether or not it was a blighted ovum like before, or was there really a little life in there? They did an ultrasound when it first started, and the fetal sack was only measuring at 7 weeks, and they could find no signs of life. Morbidly I looked through everything that came out of me- there definitely was at least twice as much tissue as my last miscarriage, but I didn’t really get any answers from doing that. That little baby would have been smaller than my pinky fingernail. Maybe I will never know. Because of the differences I do feel like I did lose a life. You are so right- no matter how small they are- they feel like a child of mine. My other children most definitely had the same little personality in the womb as out . . . . In the end I worry that I did something wrong, or there is something wrong with me that will make it hard to carry a child. I had a c-section with Tyler- and then another surgery because of an IUD that had popped out of my uterus and had to be surgically removed from my abdominal cavity. Would either of those things have an effect? I am guessing (and hoping) not. I am also older- my mom had to supplement her hormones to get Brian – and she was younger than I am now. I also exercised pretty intensely (as I had been leading up to the pregnancy), and I even had a bad stomach flu in the first few weeks- - could either of those thing had an effect? I will probably never know. I could make myself crazy over these questions. But truly , in my prayerful moments I feel peace and comfort. All I can do is move forward and enjoy the family I have in this moment. Life is so good for us here in Spokane and I feel so blessed. I have been feeling since we moved here “what is going to be our next big trial”- - our life here has been too good to be true. Even the pregnancy- I remember the first few weeks thinking “this is too good to be true- to be due in May!” Especially since we really never can plan since it takes us so long to get pregnant. I am hoping that this is just one of those things that happens sometimes- I have talked to so many women who have had several miscarriages and still have large families. On the flip side- It is amazing how much I NOTICE the high number of pregnant women- - even just walking around the grocery store- - and I am so stinking jealous. I feel more than ever that missing family member.
Wow- I didn’t mean to write all that- it just came pouring out. Thanks for letting me vent all this- I know you more than understand, and have been through so much more. I pray earnestly for you and your family too- for all the hard things you have had to go through. Honestly, after this last week, I can’t even imagine the pain you have had to go through. Your strength and wisdom is inspiring!

------------