Pregnancy- a time when my emotions run high and it have SUCH a hard time feeling judged or criticized. Even when it is done without malice or meaning to offend, I still have such a hard time with it. How do I solve this problem? How do I do as Brigham Young taught and not take offense when offense isn't intended? Last time I was pregnant, I went through this a couple of times, where random critical comments (that weren't even that big of a deal) just hit me wrong and sent me into tears. Last fall when I was pregnant (before I miscarried) there were some interactions with my husband that did this- minor critical comments really set me off. This goes for criticism about my children (even if TOTALLY justified). Just over the past few weeks there were some things that were happening with a good friend (who I love and respect) and my children that were so hard for me to take. Seriously, how do I learn to handle my high emotions better? I find myself being defensive and emotional- and although sometimes my feelings are justified in a way, I have a hard time not taking those feelings too much to heart and getting my feelings hurt. Some of my feelings have been brewing for a year, but I can kind of push them aside and deal with them- but boy, not when I'm pregnant!
I also wonder sometimes how justified my feelings are. We live in a totally new environment than we have in past years when we were "poor". In general conference it was talked about that it doesn't matter what kind of neighborhood or environment we live in, we can be a force for good and live up to our beliefs. I always felt this to be true, as we have lived in all different kinds of places- surrounded by poverty, or working class neighborhoods where there were NO other stay at home moms, but I have never taken those experiences as negative to our family- mostly it taught me how to sacrifice and also to celebrate the future we were looking forward to- for I knew better things were coming. Mostly, we didn't have experiences that I felt would be truly damaging to our children.
Recently, my children have been having trouble with certain boundaries of respect. There are several reasons for this- my parenting has been terrible in curbing this kind of stuff for the first few months of pregnancy, and we are just coming off of that and are just now kind of reigning things in and trying to go back to household rules and expectations. Even then, I am not super strict about certain things that maybe other parents are, and a few of my kids have trouble with impulsive ADD type behavior- so they are still learning and growing in many things. As the weather has gotten warmer and everyone goes outside, figuring out neighborhood boundaries and outside rules are always a challenge. The kids are thinking "freedom!!!" when they really have to understand it isn't just a free for all. I feel like I am working on some of the negative behaviors my kids have had recently- but definitely they still have trouble sometimes and have a way to go.
So back to past neighborhoods we have lived in- I was discussing some of my kids' issues with a close friend (some situations she was bringing to my attention that were difficult with my kids)- and I was realizing the expectations of other parents in a nice neighborhood like this, with mostly stay at home moms and kids running everywhere, are completely different than in past neighborhoods. One of her thoughts was also that the children my friends played with in past "poorer" neighborhoods have negatively influenced my kids, and that is why they have trouble with certain things. As I think about this, I just don't know how to feel about that. I'm not really sure if that's right. While it is true that kids can be influenced by others- and I would never want my kids to be around something truly damaging such as bad media, swearing, etc- - but just little things like not listening well or being impulsive- - after all this time, could it have affected my children? My gut says that would be short lived- maybe that week or that year when they are around it, they would mimic or have trouble, but after years later, and be personality changing? Also, during those times we lived in "poorer" neighborhoods, they DID have many good friends that influenced them for good, from church AND in the neighborhood. Are children really that fragile and impressionable?
I think I bring this up also because one of the things I have gone through this week that was so hard for me to handle was that it was very much implied to me that the negative behavior of another mom's own children was happening because of the influence of MY children. That is very hard to hear, even if it may be true. I have no delusions that my kids are perfect- they certainly ARE NOT and have maturing and learning to do- - but I haven't felt they were so bad that someone would think they were a bad influence. How do I wrap my brain around this? I am finding out that the expectations are different in a neighborhood with stay at home moms. I was told the expectation is to come over for every negative behavior to personally take care of it. I guess I wasn't really doing this. I WANT to be the kind of mom that others rely on to control her children when it is needed, and thought I was. Was I just delusional because in past neighborhoods, we were the most involved parents?
So many times I have felt judged for not disciplining right in the moment. Not that I want my children to run wild- but is it really necessary to come over each time my child says something disrespectful? I have told my friend to just send my child home if they are not doing what they should- - it is totally not her job to have to deal with the impulsive or disrespectful behavior that may happen- and I totally get that. Expectations may be different between our households, but I want to teach my children that they have to respect others, their homes, and authority. This is a tough one for my kids I guess- they have strong personalities, and don't always listen well. I thought I was doing the right thing by just letting them get sent home, but I am finding out that just isn't what is normally expected in a neighborhood like this. I guess it is expected that I should come over to where the misbehavior is happening and dicipline right then and there- this way the other parent knows I am doing something about it.
I am also finding out that even small misbehaviors should be communicated between parents. This is new for me- unless a child was bullying, hurting personal property, or doing something dangerous, I hardly ever told the other parents about misbehaviors- I just kind of dealt with it, knowing that all children are in different places in their development and maturity. While they were over, I would still ask for respect by nicely telling them the rules or asking them to say please (for example)- but I just kind of know that sometimes kids can be disrespectful or annoying because they are still learning. I may not like that child very much, but mostly I just let it go. Maybe it was because I am a non-confrontational person- and maybe this isn't the best method- but that is how it has been for me. Even when I did talk to parents about things- I try to put it in as nice and non accusatory way that I could. Are things really that different in a neighborhood with stay at home moms? Not that this friend was mean or petty in ANY way, but it was a bit accusatory towards my kids.
I guess it is good for me to hear about every little negative behavior so we can work on it- and I truly want other moms to LIKE my kids, not just tolerate them- - so I guess I need to just get a thick skin and not take it so personally. I have to know about their misbehaviors so I can talk with my kids and help them learn how to behave better. I just hate feeling judged and on the spot, especially when my parenting style differs from the other mom. I think it is also hard to hear because many of these things are things I already KNOW about my kids, and am trying to work on with them. It just makes me feel like a failure as a parent. I think most moms are like this too- but I constantly am second guessing myself as a parent and it is constantly on my mind what I should be doing differently or better to raise my kids the best way I can. Feeling judged makes me do this even more- and sometimes even try to change and parent in a way that isn't best for my kids. So- how do I deal with these feelings and emotions?
If anyone is reading this, you may be wondering- what are those Wilson kids doing that is such a problem? I will give several specific examples. Then maybe you can give me your honest (even if it is brutal) advice and opinions. I NEED to wrap my brain around all of this. Also to be clear- in NO way to I think these things are OK for my kids to do, and these are things we are trying to teach them to be better about. Some of them are kind of bad, and it is embarrassing to me to share- - but if I do, maybe I can get the advice I need. I also want to point out that things aren't always bad, and these things don't happen ALL the time, there are many really good times- but the bad things DO happen sometimes.
* Last summer Lillian (then 5 years old) goes over to ask to play and the mom says "no, now isn't a good time, but maybe in about an hour". Lillian retorts in a rude tone "I don't know how to tell time!" or she just runs away without a word. This was considered very disrespectful and rude by the other mom.
* Cynthia (9 years old) wants to play on their cool new outdoor toy, but the mom is trying to fix it and get it set up still. Cynthia pesters her every few minutes about when it will be ready, and asking why it needs to be fixed. She was told to just wait and that she would be told when it was ready, and that the mom didn't want to talk about it while she was concentrating on fixing it. Not more than a few minutes later, Cynthia decides that it must be ready (even though she wasn't told it was) and used the toy anyway- which caused a minor injury on the mom, who was still fixing part of it. Cynthia has a problem with impulse control when something is new and exciting- but this was considered super argumentative and totally disrespectful by the other parent.
* Several times of both girls being asked to go home (either for misbehaving or just when it was the normal time anyway) and they don't go until being asked a BUNCH of times. On a few occasions, I even had to go get one of them (usually Lillian), or both of the other parents had to get involved to get my child to leave.
*Lillian (6 years old) notices that a couple of the other kids are going to walk to the park, and she wants to walk with them. When the mom told her she couldn't walk with her kids because it was one of their first times walking alone to the school, with the older child in charge- and that it would just be too hard to have Lillian there also-- Lillian kept arguing and running away to ask me instead (who she knew she would get a yes from- - at least until the other mom explained to me what was happening- then I told her no). The other mom felt like she wasn't being viewed as an authority figure.
*Lillian sees a cool homemade window sticker and wants to figure out how it is attached to the window. She starts piking at it and the mom tells her to stop several times and she just says "I know, but I just want to find out how it is stuck on there!"
*Lillian loudly voicing her opinion- - like at Costco the other day when she got a sample she didn't like and TOTALLY offended the sample lady when she said very loudly "Gross- I hate that!"
*Cynthia getting really excited with one of the other kids' scooter. They were sharing it on a long walk we were all taking together, and she kept riding off when the other kid wanted his turn. He would ask and she would just ignore him and ride away without a word- - it took me physically taking it from her and giving it back to the other child. The amazing thing was that she seemed surprised when I scolded her about this- like she didn't really "get" that the other kid wanted a turn.
* Lillian walking away without a word when the conversation isn't going her way- when the other mom is trying to tell her she is breaking a rule. So rude!
* When we first moved here, Marcus (11 years old then) constantly talked about Minecraft, which the other boy his age wasn't allowed to play at that time. There was a third boy involved who liked minecraft too so they were trying to talk about it and it was making the boy who wasn't allowed feel bad and left out. When his mom asked them to talk about something else, Marcus and this other boy just tried to whisper out of ear shot about it, and tried to exchange phone numbers so they could talk later. This made the other boy feel even MORE left out and that he was losing a friend. This made the mom feel really upset.
*While snowboarding, Marcus asked to go up higher on the mountain, but was told no by the mom because there were other littler kids in the group that needed to stay on an easier hill. He wouldn't let it drop and asked several other times for what he wanted, and then went to the dad to ask (which was a HUGE no-no in their household)- they felt he was being totally disrespectful and argumentative. Truthfully, this one is definitely due to my parenting. Although we don't encourage the triangulation of asking the other parent when you don't get an answer you like from one parent- we haven't really come down on it either. Sometimes the "Dad" has more information and a different answer is warranted, unless the "Mom" feels really strong about what she had already said. Often Jon says "what did your mom already say?" or if it happens and I found out he already said no, I will say "Oh, sorry- your dad already said no so I will have to change my answer". We haven't punished or given consequences for it though, and it isn't considered disrespectful at our house. I also haven't come down on asking for something more than once. In our household, sometimes circumstances DO change from moment to moment, and I don't always remember to tell them it is ok to ask again, so I totally don't mind if they ask again and again. Now, if I have given them reasons and negotiated and they are still REALLY pestering me, then I will look them straight in the eyes and forcefully tell them "Stop asking", and usually that works- but I DO let it go for a while. So asking more than once isn't considered disrespectful either. I know most households differ from me in these (and I by no means think MY way is the best way to parent- it's just kind of how things work at our house)- so I am trying to teach my kids that no matter what the rules are at someone else's house, it isn't appropriate for you to try to negotiate, ask more than once, etc. Obviously, considering the troubles they have had- they still have a long way to go learning how to not do those things with other people.
It is hard for me write these things because I am embarrassed and sometimes feel like a failure as a parent. The LAST thing I want my kids to learn to be is disrespectful and rude!! I have to say that I truly think my kids are wonderful much of the time- and they HAVE come a long way in their short lives. And I am proud of so many things about them. I DO know that they still have a lot to learn and a long way to go, though!!! I also want to make clear that the other mom who was involved in many of these encounters is NO WAY mean, "yes-ma'am" kind of person, or even demanding compliance immediately. I also have to clarify that we have been wonderful, close friends, and she is an amazing person and very dedicated parent. This post is not to put her down in any way, that isn't what I want. I am just trying to make sense of how to emotionally handle my kids' misbehaviors and others' perceptions of them.
Here are some other ramblings and philosophizing about parenting that I want to share- I guess this is kind of me justifying not being more strict in my parenting. Day to day, I think I still do put my foot down (and I do probably WAY too much lecturing), but I really don't like doling out punishments unless something was REALLY bad- or it was purposely defiant behavior. I correct and give boundaries, rules and incentives, but I have found punishments often times have the absolute opposite effect of what I am trying to accomplish. Don't get me wrong, consequences (especially logical ones) DO get doled out, but maybe not as much as many other parents. Maybe this isn't right, or what's best (considering some of the things they are having problems with)- but kind of how I feel. I want to constantly evaluate my methods to make sure they are what is best- - so again, any advice is great (apparently as long as it is non-judgmental, and I don't feel criticized . . . due to my current emotional state . . . )
I was talking with my mom about kids and parenting recently, and I realized many things. My family has a long history of extreme independence- - my parents, my siblings and I, and my children don't handle being told what to do very well! We were given guidelines and rules, and consequences -- but power struggles were VERY common between me and my mom when I was little. In fact, almost ALL of my misbehavior growing up was related to power struggles. I wanted to feel like I was in charge of my own life. As I got older, I valued my parents and their guidance VERY much, but I hated being told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. The things that got through to me weren't consequences and control, but direction and counsel (advice), clear boundaries (with choices within those boundaries I could make on my own), and most of all a strong conviction in my religious beliefs, which in itself gave the best direction. I didn't always do things exactly the way my parents would have chosen for me, but they let me make some mistakes and learn from them (within certain boundaries)- - biggest thing of all, I felt they trusted me, and this meant EVERYTHING to me. I would do anything not to disappoint them- - but good luck to them if they had come down and tried to control me! The fact that I got straight A's was MINE, the fact that I had a strong conviction in my religion was MINE- - not my parents. I am not saying this is the best parenting strategy for everyone and every child, but I am realizing this is why I parent the way I do- because this is what worked for me. I believe that we have to protect our children from truly damaging things that could change their life, but with a child that has a good heart and is trying to do what is right- I like giving them as many choices of their own as I can, with my direction and not control.
I want to raise respectful kids, but maybe sometimes my parenting style creates an environment of more independence, and what is considered disrespectful at others' is different than at ours. Not that I want my kids to argue with other parents (or with me for that matter), but we have never curbed negotiating and voicing an opinion or want. It isn't until I have said no several times and given reasons and negotiated, that I will stop it with an ultimatum. With Marcus, I have to be careful with ultimatums, even like that- it causes a huge amount of conflict and stress. I have a much more lenient approach to this kind of stuff, and my kids are allowed to voice their opinion and thoughts anytime and we negotiate a lot. I'm by no means saying I think this is the best way to parent- but this kind of how it is for our family. Sometimes I have had to learn how to be a little more forceful in my authority- sometimes their opinion isn't in line with what is best for them- and I have to put my foot down. At the same time, there is a lot of discussing and negotiating leading up to it. I am realizing this is one of the major differences that causes problems with being disrespectful. It is considered disrespectful and argumentative at many other houses when they try to negotiate or ask again after being told no- - but isn't here unless they are being outright defiant on purpose. Here at home they have to use respectful words (which is a learning process and doesn't always happen- but is always corrected but not often punished, just reminded), but they really CAN tell me whatever they think. A "yes ma'am" attitude was not expected of me (and the few times it was, it DIDN'T work!) and I don't expect it of my kids. I guess it goes down to my deep core that I want them to feel that their opinion, no matter how silly, is important. This is what worked for me as a child. If I felt like my opinion was being heard and respected, I was soooo much more willing to listen and reason with my parents. The kids have to know that I am the one with the final decision- but I will listen to their side. I know the major problem with this parenting style is when this happens with other parents or authority figures, this comes across as disrespectful and as arguing- - and I am sorry for that. The last thing I want is for them to come across that way. I have to find a solution, because what they are doing still isn't OK.
I am realizing what I need to do is really be on top of reminding them that each household has different rules and that it is extremely important to follow the rules of where they are and be respectful to the parent's wishes. This is is the most important: I need to teach them it isn't appropriate to negotiate, voice your negative opinions, or ask more than once with other parents or authority figures. Either do what they say, or come home if you aren't having a good time or if anything makes you uncomfortable. Maybe asking once and nicely for something you want is fine-- but always just go with whatever the parent or authority figure says. This is just general respect for other people and other people's property and lives. I need to teach that other families have their own sanctuary and the right to govern that sanctuary in the best way they see fit so they can have the environment they desire, whether or not you, as the outsider and guest, agrees. I really am planning to be better about teaching this to my kids- and like I said, these situations have opened my eyes to this- they have to figure out other people's homes are different than their own home and how to have general respect for people. I ALSO need to maybe be a little more firm on how they talk to ME- I constantly tell them to say things to me nicely, but I think I need to be a little more firm when things turn argumentative.
Again, January through March was AWFUL for me- and I truly didn't parent AT ALL the way I should. I was in serious survival mode and just let most things go. So- maybe I am getting all worked up over nothing- that as I pull the kids back in and turn the rules and parenting back on, things will get better. Some of these things ARE ongoing things about their personalities, and this isn't the only time I have had to kind of come down on them for being disrespectful to others (I remember a few years ago at my sister's house . . . they were pretty awful to her)- so on the other hand- maybe my long term strategies need to be adjusted.
Who knows . . . As my mom said, the guidance of the Holy Ghost trumps EVERYTHING. Soooo my biggest goal is to seek after THAT. If I am doing my best to problem solve, I am praying and asking for guidance, and LOVING my children for who they are, faults and all, I have no doubt that the Lord won't let me make any major, life changing mistakes while raising my kids. The daily ins and outs may bring challenges and mistakes- but in the end, I will know that I couldn't have done any better, and they will be given the upbringing they needed.
