sooo tired

I haven't felt so tired in my entire life! Just getting through each day feels like such a huge effort. I MUST be getting stronger for having to go through this, right? I still feel TERRIBLE- and it is getting worse as expected. I probably have another couple of months until it starts to get better. Sometimes I wonder "What was I thinking!". WHY did I want to get pregnant??? Then I remember there is a reason for how aweful I feel- and it is totally worth it. That is about the only thing that gets me through the day. This week has been especially rough- - from Monday 7am to the following Monday 7am Jon will have worked almost 110 hours. Granted, he does get to sleep during some of those nights he is on-call, but he certainly hasn't been home. I am realizing how much I relied on him in past pregnancies, because I can't ask him for help now. To his credit, the few hours he has been home he does his best to help, and I am super grateful for it. I am just soooo tired! Just keeping basic things in order, like toys generally picked up, laundry, dishes, and keeping track of my children seem so hard. I'm not even going to mention dinner- my poor kids have been living on microwave burritos and macaroni and cheese. I tried to cook spaghetti the night Jon was home and ended up almost throwing up while cooking the ground beef. I ran outside for fresh air, and Jon ended being my knight in shining armor and finished cooking and serving dinner. I DRAG myself out of bed in the morning to get the kids off to school and make sure Lillian is fed, diapered and generally taken care of. Luckily she still takes a nap, so I have been crashing during her naps too. It just never seems to be enough rest. I will be soooo glad when this part of the pregnancy is over. I honestly don't remember feeling this aweful my other pregnancies (except when I was pregnant with Marcus). I must have just forgotten. And, as someone else put it- I am older, AND I have more children to take care of. Jon's stress level also affects me. I don't know, I just wish I really WAS stronger.

OK- enough complaining! Sorry for the downer post - - but it does help me deal with life to vent a little. I know I wouln't be asked to go through this if I couldn't handle it. On the upside- we will be looking for our new van next week (Jon's schedule isn't quite so insane)- so that is exciting. I also planned a trip to see my siblings during Spring break. I am driving to Utah (hopefully in my NEW van!) and seeing my brothers and sister who live there, then getting on a plane BY MYSELF (my sister in Utah is going to keep my kids) to see my other sister in Phoenix. Wahoo! Having a trip to look forward to definitely helps my mood. The drive to and from Utah by myself with the kids will be hard, I am sure, but I know I can do it, and it will really help me to get out. I also planned an anniversary weekend for Jon and me in Longbeach the end of May- - we will REALLY need the time for US!

I am also grateful to good friends- I had one bring me a meal this week, which was so sweet! Thanks Jessica! Today we had playgroup, and just getting out of the house and being able to visit with friends, even though I am feeling yucky, really helps. I also got to see my friends in Sunnyside for a baby shower, which is always an upper!